insideoflight | (no subject)

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[Exhaustion is hardly anything new for Naltryd. The moment she decided to become an adventurer, she knew that life ahead of her wasn't going to be easy, filled with hard knocks and barriers to overcome. Granted, those many years ago, she hadn't an idea that adventuring would lead to her at the very edge of the universe, fighting to save her world--nay, every world. Her exponentially growing adventures over time had lead to no small amount of injuries and near death experiences, though none had come quite as close to this one. Had that teleporter not appeared out of thin air, she knows she would have died alongside Zenos.

(The thought scares her less than she would have expected, but she's grateful to be alive nonetheless.)

Her friends and the healers in Sharlayan alike have done what they can for her, fixing up the most grievous of wounds, but even magic can only heal so much. The rest is up to her own body and time. It was difficult enough being bedridden for several days, and she's still only allowed outside of the Annex for stints at a time as she recovers (she's pretty sure the combined will of Alisae and G'raha will keep her from even accidentally stubbing a toe). Still, there's plenty of people coming and going to see her and keep her company, at least.

The person she wishes to talk to most, however, is still asleep. Not as if she knows exactly what she wants to say, granted.

Emet-Selch is the last to have awoken, though her worries have been lessened by Hythlodaeus' insistence that he's perfectly fine, just needs to sleep a little. Still, there's uncertainty there, as she doesn't know where this road is going to lead exactly. She doesn't know where the first step is going to fall.

And so she sits there at his bedside, still-healing bruises and scrapes across the skin of hers that isn't still bandaged, thumbing through a book. It's difficult to focus; she's not sure if she can recall exactly what she read on the previous page, and her eyes keep flickering over to the sleeping Ancient in the bed beside her.]

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[It's been approximately a month since their return from Ultima Thule, and much of it, Naltryd has spent deep in thought while recovering. Less on where to go next, and more so on what to do as to the Azem situation. As per Emet-Selch, and as per what she's already aware of, a crystal can bring back memories of one's unsundered self. Azem's crystal is a little less "complete" as it wasn't made by her former self but rather Emet-Selch himself, but complete enough that apparently there's plenty that would come back to her nonetheless.

It's intriguing and frightening at the same time. While Naltryd wants to know of the woman she was once was, the soul that she's an incomplete version of, and what has happened back then past what she's already seen... She isn't quite sure how to deal with the issue of identity. If she regains those memories, that sense of self, then who is she now? What will happen to her?

And so, after thinking it through a bit, she had gone to the two people she knew would best be able to empathize with her situation. G'raha is easy to talk enough about anything, and he let her know that identity could be a fluid thing; it isn't necessarily one thing set in stone, and his own situation shows as such. Even if she gained memories, it wouldn't change who she was, unless she wanted it to.

The slightly more awkward talk came with Gaia, during a brief visit to the First. Her situation was a little closer to her own considering that both of them were sundered versions of Convocation members. After that talk (and some gil given to her to buy Ryne some cookies and a nice ribbon), Naltryd came to understand again that yes, even with those memories...she could still be Naltryd. She could be more than just Naltryd, but it was up to her, however mixed up her head might get from having memories of two different lives.

And it took longer yet to come to her final decision. It's a scary one yet, one of the personally scariest ones she's ever had to make. But the more time spent with Emet-Selch and Hythlodaeus, the more comfortable she feels around them, and the more she wants to know of who she is and where she fits. It'll be nagging at her forever if she doesn't do this.

Trying not to look as nervous as she is, Naltryd begins to search the city for the Convocation member in question, knowing that Emet-Selch knows exactly how to use the crystals for memory transference. She holds it tight in a sweaty palm, perhaps not as carefully as she could, but she's just...nervous. After checking a few usual haunts, she finally spots him and Hythlodaeus enjoying a meal at the Last Stand. Hardly an unusual sight, but she takes a deep breath before joining them, sitting down in an empty chair at the table.]

Ah... Good morning, you two.

[It's clear she's apprehensive, though not at them, and she fiddles with the stone in her hand.]

[In the past month, Hades had more or less settled in. True to his word, he'd avoided deliberately antagonizing Thancred, though that hasn't stopped them from getting along about as well as a pair of wet tomcats. Otherwise, he's been surprised to find himself feeling fairly at home, aside from an awkward and puzzling moment where one of Hydaelyn's rabbits had insisted on foisting a large bowl of carrot pudding upon him. As predicted, Tataru had in fact gifted him with a dashing outfit in the blacks and golds that suit him best, though he couldn't help feeling as though he was accepting a gift from a Voidsent. Or mayhap a particularly greedy fae.

During this time, his and Hythlodaeus' room at the annex has changed somewhat, ancient magicks expanding it beyond what the space it occupied should allow. For his part, Hades has mostly made use of the extra space by hauling in various possessions he'd stashed in the Rift to maintain access to between lifetimes, mainly books and those foods and drinks that are more inclined to ripen with age than to rot. On the latter point, he'd made a note of how little actually decent food there is around here otherwise...though, his current location is one of the exceptions, as he's in the middle of a rather nice meal with Hythlodaeus when Naltryd approaches.

He lowers his cup as she joins them, briefly raising his other hand to signal the waiter that they have an addition. Immediately, he can tell shes nervous, and a quick glance over her explains why. Though it might be largely obscured by her hand, he would recognize the aetherial signature of that stone anywhere...and not simply because it has his own metaphysical fingerprints all over it.]

As good as mornings ever are around here. Were you aware it was flurrying earlier?

[ The room's expansion - and it getting filled up - definitely brings Hythlodaeus joy. He has hardly ever concealed his delight in Hades's magical prowess, and time has not dimmed that. Quite the opposite, really.

He has spent most of the month devouring almost everything available to him to read - still he's only made a dent in it, but he's been working on it, sometimes ... well. Regularly to the point where Hades has had to make sure he makes it to bed at all. In various ways, also, which has not made Hythlodaeus any more eager to deprive them both of the entertainment of it.

Ahem.

He is a little more aware of the world around them as it is, which he is pleased with, but there is so much more to find out.

Right here and now, though, he is back to adjusting his expectation for what he'll See around himself. It's a process, for everything is both so similar and so different. And now, similar yet different, here Naltryd is. A little brighter than everyone else save Hades. Alive, and agitated.

Hands around his teacup, his smiles reassuringly. ]

It is very lovely, and the flurries made everything sparkle so in the sunrise. Although I do admit that makes it a weather encouraging only brief forays out-of-doors.

[ Not that he looks in any way uncomfortable out here, but he can acknowledge the reality - and Hades's comfort. ]

And how are you this morning?

It does tend to snow here sometimes, though you don't often see it go past flurries, at the least. It's certainly no Ishgard.

[When the waitress comes over to take her order, she asks for a coffee and some pastries, before turning back to the other two.]

I...am fine. Well... I, ah.

[She takes a deep breath, chuckling.]

Thinking things over, mostly. Making decisions.

I have seen more than enough snow to last me centuries, thank you.

[He sighs and shakes his head, but he can't deny that the food is worth it. In particular, a hot soup with fresh bread is a nice offset to the cold.

Idle complaints about the weather, however, get put aside for the moment as he inclines his head slightly toward the stone in Naltryd's hand.]

And what decisions have you made?

[ Hythlodaeus breathes in deeply from his tea, making sure he's calm so he doesn't add to nervousness or worry in any way.

In all fairness... he suspects what Naltryd's decision will be, if only because she's given it so much thought. Rejecting the memories would likely have been a choice made faster, as the time spent wondering would mean the thought would always return to haunt her. Choosing to claim more of who she used to be would take time, a good-bye to who she is now even though, as far as Hythlodaeus knows, she wouldn't be lost or ever overwhelmed. And - it is the option that has no way to turn back from.

And the way she is holding what he can see is a constellation crystal made by Hades alone - well.

Guesses or not, it is her decision, and warm attention is all that he gives her. ]

Would you like some tea or hot chocolate? Something warm along with telling us.

[ Not before, because if she wanted to delay she would have waited for them to return to the Annex. ]

I put in a coffee order, I should be fine on that end.

[And--as of on cue, the waitress comes by, dropping off said coffee and a small dish of pastries. Naltryd thanks her before adding some sugar and cream, taking a sip, and letting the warmth settle her before speaking again.]

Though I know this is going to be a massive step to take, not one to be taken lightly, and one I can never come back from... I wish to know. I may not exactly be the Azem you loved, not completely. But once upon a time, a part of me was her--or to be more accurate, a part of her is me. It isn't necessarily that I feel incomplete. I, Naltryd, am happy with all that I am. And yet there's so much more I wish to know, how things were past what I've seen and the hazy dreams I've had.

[She opens her hand where the crystal lays, looking at it.]

Who my soul was part of, so long ago... I won't lie. It frightens me still. It is one thing to settle it in my mind and one thing to experience it myself. And yet, whatever comes of it, I still wish to take this step. I only ask that I not be alone, as I...I simply don't know how the experience will go, or what will become of me as I know myself.

[The nervousness is familiar, honestly. Of the many, many fragments of Convocation members he's restored to their former seats, very few haven't found the prospect daunting...and complicated as Naltryd's life has been, she perhaps has more to be apprehensive about than most. He gives a nod, and what he hopes will be a reassuring smile.]

I have always made it a point to not leave any of our number alone during this process. I shan't offer false comfort, it is always a disorienting experience, but we will be by your side the entire time. And...

[He pauses, trying to think on how to put this.]

It matters not to me that you aren't the same, you've seen for yourself that I am not the same as I was at the creation of mine own crystal. But, I do hope that these memories help you to understand both us and the nature and significance of your own soul.

[ Hythlodaeus smiles also. ]

It might be of note, something which you can possibly appreciate now after spending some time around us... as we are now, that he would never put either you or me in a position that will be harmful for us.

[ Not as Hades truly is, his will his own. ]

And for my part, I think I already told you that after Azem's absences, we would spend time learning about her anew, as people change with experience. As you are, as you may become, with or without these memories - we will rather have you as you are. [ Yes, he is claiming it for both of them. No, he won't apologize. But he does give Hades a sideways glance. ] The past that we loved... it is a matter of finding the parts of it which are not gone in the present that we are learning to make better.

[Naltryd slowly nods, taking their words in. They do bring her comfort, and she gives them a nod and a small smile before pocketing the crystal.]

I put myself in your hands, then. And I do trust you, the both of you. So... I suppose once we're done here, we can return to the Annex, and...do whatever needs to be done? I confess, I don't know how this is supposed to go, if we need to go anywhere special, or whatever it be.

[Trust...after their less than pleasant first encounter, he'd feared her trust beyond him. Though, under the circumstances, her suspicion was warranted...no matter his intentions, the fact remained that he had been Tempered, and Zodiark would have allowed no compromise.]

I would ordinarily bring people to the Rift, but such was simply for the privacy it offered. Anywhere you will feel safe during the ensuing period of confusion will do. All I need is yourself, and the stone.

[ Hythlodaeus doesn't even frown at the swirl in Hades's aether, just reaches a hand to place on Hades's arm, resting there for a moment before he returns to the remainder of his breakfast. ]

So my presence or absence is up to you, Naltryd. And I will be nearby after, either way - as will be the friends besides us to reassure yourself you're not changed enough to not care.

[ Which... ]

Perhaps in the Baldesion Annex might be a good place?

The Annex it is. And I would very much like you to be there, Hythlodaeus. Even if you're not performing whatever ritual needs to be done, you're still a part of this all.

[She continues to eat and drink, downing the rest of her coffee and munching on one of her last small pastries.]

[He gives a light huff of an almost chuckle and shakes his head as he returns to his own food.]

It's hardly so complicated as that. Much like how I allowed you to borrow my senses last month, I'll be creating a connection to allow you to 'read' the crystal as you do people's memories. The fact that they are memories belonging to your soul will take care of the rest.

I will be. And I did think it was likely more to want a conduit or catalyst rather than a ritual, as he said. Memory crystals and concepts rarely need more than the right nudge - a simple convenience.

[ That's how they were designed, in a time when they were not the only link to how they had once been. He suspects someone here and now might be able to figure them out unassisted with enough interest and... well, daring, but it is much easier when one doesn't have to deal with that on top of trying to figure out their identity.

Instead of rambling on more - and he can, but he is pretty sure if she wants that right now, she'll ask - he makes a motion towards the food in front of him. ]

If you'd like something more than just coffee without waiting for a whole order, please help yourself.

I'm fine with this.

[She waves what remains of her last pastry as she finishes it up with a bite.]

And I suppose it's a relief to hear that there's not much to this. I only know a little about how this all works, but...yes. We'll see how this goes, then.

[Naltryd might be fine with just the appetizers she ordered, but Hades reaches out to snatch something from Hythlodaeus' plate with a playful smirk. Yes, he knows he could have just asked, but...where's the fun in that?]

Ah, a word of advice: don't be alarmed if you need reminding of even significant details from the stone for a while. It often takes several days for the memories to settle into being easy to recall. You oughtn't need to look at the stone more than once, but it is an immense amount of information to impress upon your memory all at once.

[ While with Hades, the relaxing of behavior is rather obvious, Hythlodaeus is in his way also somewhat less reserved. His smiles, while they were never false, usually were restrained or timed according to politeness and situation and effect. Now, on the other hand, there are flashes of something... usually softer, instead, but right now it is just... happy, at Hades's little gesture. It may take a long time to move past... some things that he's lived with for a long time, but they sometimes loosen their grip now.

He does go back to thoughtful. ]

It is safer, that way. Back then, everyone had plenty of time, after all. A few days would be a good thing, for learning so much.

[ While everything has to be so much faster now, with entire lives possing by so quickly. ]

I understand. For what it's worth, the Echo at least has given me some experience in seeing memories that are not my own, so...perhaps that will ease it.

[She gives a little shrug, placing her empty coffee cup down.]

Then I will let the others know that I need a few days to myself.

[It's good to see Hythlodaeus relax like this, too. No worries about complicated social expectations, or fishing for certain reactions...just a nice meal, with no agenda other than getting used to the new status quo.]

This is like to be somewhat more...intense, as the memories will resonate with your soul. They are, after all, yours after a fashion. Still, it ought only be truly overwhelming in the first few bells.

[ It's a long lifetime of measuring himself against people he loves beyond reason and finding himself lacking, compounded by a long period of utter helplessness - and uselessness - that will take a moment to break out of. A long, long moment. But with Hades and Naltryd doing their best to take a step back... and giving him more attention, it is easier for the long-worn habits to start cracking.

Now he ducks his head to hide a small smile - it's not like Hades can actually frighten her - and instead murmuring, ] we'll make sure you're very comfortable and will be there to answer any questions. No matter how nonsensical or silly they may seem to you.

I thank you, truly. Both of you. You have helped me so much, and continue to do so... Perhaps with these memories, I can help out in return somehow.

[She isn't sure what to expect for sure, but one thing at a time.]

I didn't make the offer so you would be better able to help me, my dear. I ask nothing but that you remember me as I was before Zodiark, our lives as they were before the Final Days.

[ There is something in a way that Hades says these words that makes Hythlodaeus's heart ache, both with his own nostalgia resonating, and with the weight of regret and sorrow that Hades lays bare wit them.

He barely breathes out his empathetic sigh to not burden him further, and his eyes curl up, softly. ]

And it is better, besides, if when help is needed, we all help each other. It stands to more reason than aid flowing in one direction only.

I will. And...of course.

[Another nod, another smile.]