insideoflight | (no subject)

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[Exhaustion is hardly anything new for Naltryd. The moment she decided to become an adventurer, she knew that life ahead of her wasn't going to be easy, filled with hard knocks and barriers to overcome. Granted, those many years ago, she hadn't an idea that adventuring would lead to her at the very edge of the universe, fighting to save her world--nay, every world. Her exponentially growing adventures over time had lead to no small amount of injuries and near death experiences, though none had come quite as close to this one. Had that teleporter not appeared out of thin air, she knows she would have died alongside Zenos.

(The thought scares her less than she would have expected, but she's grateful to be alive nonetheless.)

Her friends and the healers in Sharlayan alike have done what they can for her, fixing up the most grievous of wounds, but even magic can only heal so much. The rest is up to her own body and time. It was difficult enough being bedridden for several days, and she's still only allowed outside of the Annex for stints at a time as she recovers (she's pretty sure the combined will of Alisae and G'raha will keep her from even accidentally stubbing a toe). Still, there's plenty of people coming and going to see her and keep her company, at least.

The person she wishes to talk to most, however, is still asleep. Not as if she knows exactly what she wants to say, granted.

Emet-Selch is the last to have awoken, though her worries have been lessened by Hythlodaeus' insistence that he's perfectly fine, just needs to sleep a little. Still, there's uncertainty there, as she doesn't know where this road is going to lead exactly. She doesn't know where the first step is going to fall.

And so she sits there at his bedside, still-healing bruises and scrapes across the skin of hers that isn't still bandaged, thumbing through a book. It's difficult to focus; she's not sure if she can recall exactly what she read on the previous page, and her eyes keep flickering over to the sleeping Ancient in the bed beside her.]

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I didn't make the offer so you would be better able to help me, my dear. I ask nothing but that you remember me as I was before Zodiark, our lives as they were before the Final Days.

[ There is something in a way that Hades says these words that makes Hythlodaeus's heart ache, both with his own nostalgia resonating, and with the weight of regret and sorrow that Hades lays bare wit them.

He barely breathes out his empathetic sigh to not burden him further, and his eyes curl up, softly. ]

And it is better, besides, if when help is needed, we all help each other. It stands to more reason than aid flowing in one direction only.

I will. And...of course.

[Another nod, another smile.]

And anyroad, if we were to be keeping score, I think I would yet owe you for restoring my free will, seeing to it that Elidibus finally remembered himself, and delivering our star from utmost destruction.

[He reaches over to pat her on the shoulder.]

But as Hythlodaeus said, I see little merit in boiling it down to transactions.

Indeed. [ Hythlodaeus sets down his now-empty cup of tea, then rests his hands on his knees. ]

I am ready.

[ He may not have eaten everything but he definitely feels sated. ]

[Two out of those three things involved killing them, but...semantics for now, she supposes. She'll handle that again later.]

As am I.

[And before they can say anything, she takes out her pouch of gil, placing down enough to cover the meal. Adventurer she may be, she doesn't exactly want for money these days; and most that recognize her try to insist she needn't pay, though she always does regardless.]

Let's go about it, then. Lead the way?

[Ordinarily, he'd object to her covering the bill when she ate the least of all of them, but...well, it's not like he kept mountains of gil to carry between identities. Instead, he just huffs and shrugs before finishing off his drink and standing up.]

Our room is more comfortable than the others at the Annex, if you'd rather there than your own.

It is, indeed, very comfortable.

[ He is not going to comment on her paying - though he is likely to keep learning how to make good food with what is available here and now, because he has to give back as much as he can, he ever has had to - and he doesn't tuck his arms around their elbows, one each, though the is tempted. He seems calm and bright and collected.

But Hades can probably tell he's practically about to vibrate out of his skin. Because he has ever loved watching Hades's work - and Azem's crystal is most certainly that - and also because Naltryd learning more means he won't have to worry a casual, actually not meant that way word will be interpreted as pressure. She would know how they both communicate, especially with her, and she would know where limits have been for a very long time.

If nothing else so that she can determine her own limits, and they can hopefully be safer from hurting her without meaning to. ]

I was thinking that would be best, yes.

[She's doing her best to calm her nerves, trying to relax as they make their way back to the Annex. Nothing will be the same after this, after all. The fact that she's not alone, however, is at least a soothing thought.

It will be okay.

Once they reach the (frankly impressive) room that the two Ancients share, she pulls out Azem's crystal again, looking it over in her hand.]

Well... Here we are. Guide me through this?

[He gives Hythlodaeus' shoulder a light pat, a brief gesture to indicate that yes, he is aware of the other man's excitement. With most, he might point out that there won't be much to watch...but Hythlodaeus is one of few who can actually see his magic take form.

Once in the room, he gestures for her to take a seat in a chair that looks far too comfortable to have possibly been made in Sharlayan.]

You may wish to be seated, as I expect this to be an emotional experience. Then close your eyes and focus upon the stone, and I will help you to direct your senses onto it.

[He's tense, but Hythlodaeus will be able to tell from anticipation more than apprehension. For thousands on thousands of years, he's been the only person to recall these experiences. He's waited, watched, hoped to see the soul they belong to...and when he finally did, it was as an enemy. He knows it won't truly undo that first impression, but for her to know him as she once did...that's more than enough for him.]

[ Hythlodaeus busies himself for a moment, making sure they will both have something to drink in easy reach without being in the way, and that there is an extra blanket near her and at the soft couch, should she need to lie down. And then he settles on a fat cushion on the floor near both of them. ]

Oh, and by the by, Naltryd, it will be all right.

[ With perfect certainty. Meant for them both. ]

Edited 2022-04-30 21:42 (UTC)

[As suggested, she takes a seat. She has a feeling that she'll definitely need it.

And so she takes a deep breath, eyelids closing, and puts her full focus towards the stone in her palm. Naltryd can feel Emet-Selch's direction, much as he did with her senses back in the bath and how Venat did so in Elpis. This time, it's directed at the crystal, feeling warm in her hand.

The tendrils begin to reach out, and with all the bravery she can muster, Naltryd reaches out to grasp them.

While it doesn't happen all at once, flashes of memories begin to come back in rapid succession. The day she took her seat as Azem, Venat's proud face before her, the nervousness that she wouldn't be able to measure up. The lands beyond Amaurot, breeze on her skin, rolling fields before her. The peoples she met in her journeys, friends and comrades met along the way. The love she felt for all of Etheirys, and the will to explore and protect.

There is more than that, of course. She remembers the two men before her as they were, in much more detail than her time in Elpis. Brief, childhood memories before any true expectations or weights were put on them. Pulling Hades (and at quite a few times, Hythlodaeus as well) along on her travels before and during her time as Azem; no matter how he complained, she knew he was happy to be there. Playing pranks here and there on the two of them to keep them on their toes. Time spent keeping Hythlodaeus company in the Bureau when she was in between her travels, smiling and joking and cracking jokes at the more ridiculous concepts on the table (along with approving some that perhaps shouldn't have been approved, just for humor's sake).

Then are the even more sentimental moments. Awkward confessions between the three of them, unsure at first how to explore a new stage to their friendship. The comfort she felt in their arms. The joy of returning to Amaurot after a long adventure, reuniting with the men she loved. Stolen kisses and further in between duties.

There are other sentimental memories tingling not as clearly just yet, on the edge of her vision. The many friends she had, the interactions she had with her fellow Convocation members. The grimaces she put on Lahabrea's face with her antics, the bright eyes of Elidibus as he eagerly took in her stories of the outside--the eyes of Themis, a little brother to her--

But, it's not all happiness and loves. They shift in time, past paradise. Fire and destruction, but from her eyes now, not Hades' or Venat's. The fear of not knowing why it was happening. The pure anger when the Convocation had come to their decision. The agony of hearing that Hythlodaeus had volunteered himself to be sacrificed. Defecting, arguing with Hades, and leaving. Swearing she'd find a way to save them all.

She never did.

It is her life. Not exactly the her she is now, but the woman she was so long ago.

Azem.

Persephone.

When Naltryd finally opens her eyes again, there is the briefest of glow to them, before fading to normal. Her head is a tempest, and tears are streaming down her face. And when she speaks, her voice is choked.]

Hythlodaeus... Hades... I'm...so sorry...

[He had, in honesty, expected the tears. As much as he'd prefer to focus on the good memories, he knows there's a lot of pain recorded in that crystal as well. But even that pain, he knows, had been born of love, and it would have done the woman she'd been a disservice to leave it out.

He'd expected the tears, and so he lifts a tissue to dry her cheeks, even as his heart skips a beat to hear his true name from her lips. The name that, in this time, only Hythlodaeus had used for him before. The name reserved for those closest to him.]

Shhh. You have ever done the best you could, as have we all. You've nothing to apologize for.

[ Oh... so that is what something like this looks like. Not so much the magic, for Hades barely nudges the connection, but the turmoil in her aether. He focuses, to remember, to see if something goes wrong, or will need attention later. He knows she is strong, so strong, but he also knows strong is far from means unbreakable - and she already has those hairline scars on her soul. It would better if she doesn't acquire more.

But no, the memories are her own, rather than a weight imposed by others. The memories are something that she chose to regain, rather than a last resort. So her soul does not reject any of it, merely stretches a little to envelop all.

He waits, and watches, until she is ready to focus on the present, a little, and then he moves, unfolding to his feet to stand next to her chair, lean down, and wrap his arms around her shoulders.

He didn't know what to expect, but between the bare grief in her tears, in her voice, and that apology, offering comfort seems the one thing for him to do. ]

It is all right. It is all right.

[She doesn't know how to begin. Only the two in front of her. And she cries, throws herself right into their arms, her memories of her desperate failures to save them so vivid now in her mind.]

I...I... I wish... I should have, I could have...

[She's trying to put words together, trying to get herself together, but it's so difficult right now; everything's building together, more and more and--]

I...I love you, I love you, I'm so sorry, I--

[She hiccups, tears continuing to flow. Naltryd clings to them. Her... Naltryd... Azem... Persephone.

She doesn't know.

But she needs to hold them.]

[When she throws her arms around him, he doesn't hesitate to wrap his around her in kind. He can feel tears welling in his own eyes, and doesn't bother to conceal them. Even so, the look on his face can be best described as bittersweet. He's been through so much...losing both his loves, one after the other. Searching fruitlessly for eons, and then finding much of Persephone in Naltryd, only to nearly lose her again. Seeing Zodiark destroyed, and fearing Hythlodaeus' soul lost to the Underworld. But now, by some miracle, the three of them are back together...it's not perfect, others they'd once called family are still gone, but this is more than he's been able to muster genuine hope for in centuries upon centuries.]

Hindsight may be sharp, but none of us at the time knew for certain what to do. And know that I never, not once, questioned your love for me when you left.

[ Well now. He shifts, and for a long moment only holds them both, so, so tight. Then he gently steers them so they are all on the fat cushions for sitting on the floor. This will take a moment, and physical discomfort will not help at all. ]

You did what you could, and you saved us all. Perhaps not back then, but you did. Hold on to that.

And, oh, darling. We love you, too. We love you so.

[She does the the best to try to get herself together, but what can she say?

Hell.

She can only burrow herself into their embrace. As much as she knows she has fixed things now, in the future... As much she has fixed the world as Naltryd, where is she now? Who is she now? She lives, loves, her life is Naltryd. But now, she has realized being Azem. She knows herself as Persephone, knows life and love as such.

And she wants it all to make sense. Wants to be strong, wants to be who she thinks they want her to be.]

I....I...

[It...will take a bit.]

[He accepts a seat on one of the cushions, tugging her toward his lap even as he leans into Hythlodaeus.]

There is not one of us who doesn't have aught we wish we had done differently. In fact, I would argue that you have the least to regret, seeing the folly of relying upon Zodiark for our salvation then, and calling out the plan of escape for the craven's route in more recent days. You have done enough, my love.

[ He does tighten his arms around them both once they settle, then presses a small kiss to Hades's temple to remind him to give her time to process - and another to her temple, too, soothing. ]

We have you. Let yourself feel as much as you need to. We're right here.

[Another deep breath. Everything's still mixed in a turmoil, memories of the past and memories of the present, and she's still trying to compartmentalize them to keep a handle on her identity. Not to forget herself as Naltryd now that she has remembered another self.

Eventually, she begins to calm down, reaching up to wipe at her face. It's still a tempest in her mind, but the panic is receding.]

It feels...so strange. Two lives in my mind. And I'm still not entirely her, not a "complete" unsundered soul as she was, and yet...

[He gives her a light squeeze as she starts to wipe at her face, then shifts so that he can press the handkerchief from earlier into her hand.]

You aren't the first to find confusion in being a Sundered soul with memories of being whole. But we are here for you, for whatever you need as you adjust and decide what to make of it all.

[He combs his fingers through her hair, brushing her bangs away from her eyes.]

And know that whatever decisions you reach, I shall love you just the same.

We shall love you just the same. As we do now.

[ Without hesitation. And a sweet, sweet smile at her as he reaches a hand up and brushes strands of her hair from her face. ]

Your life now is intense and vivid and important, and so was your life before, all of it bright. Incandescent. There was just... a little longer of it before. [ More than a little. They lived long lives, before, and though the three of them were far from old, they still had had plenty of time to become as they are. ] It is all right to need time to sort through it.

Thank you. Both of you.

[She leans into the touches, placing a kiss on each of their palms. It's strange, how swiftly things have turned around. How a former enemy has become so dear to her, and so much more. For someone she barely knew to turn out to be one of the most important people in her life. It will take some time to sort it all out, but she can't deny the strong feeling of love permeating her very being as she looks at them.

It's been years since she's been close to anyone like this, and gods, she misses this comfort.]

[He smiles at the kiss, the sort of soft, gentle expression he would often show in private during the halcyon days of eld, but did his best to hide from her during their more fraught interactions on the First. That painful time, when he'd feared any gesture of affection would be met with horrified rejection.]

For the now, I only ask to know what you would prefer we call you. Even then, I understand you may not have a final answer right away, but I don't want to make such a decision for you, however temporarily.