insideoflight | (no subject)

(no subject)

[Exhaustion is hardly anything new for Naltryd. The moment she decided to become an adventurer, she knew that life ahead of her wasn't going to be easy, filled with hard knocks and barriers to overcome. Granted, those many years ago, she hadn't an idea that adventuring would lead to her at the very edge of the universe, fighting to save her world--nay, every world. Her exponentially growing adventures over time had lead to no small amount of injuries and near death experiences, though none had come quite as close to this one. Had that teleporter not appeared out of thin air, she knows she would have died alongside Zenos.

(The thought scares her less than she would have expected, but she's grateful to be alive nonetheless.)

Her friends and the healers in Sharlayan alike have done what they can for her, fixing up the most grievous of wounds, but even magic can only heal so much. The rest is up to her own body and time. It was difficult enough being bedridden for several days, and she's still only allowed outside of the Annex for stints at a time as she recovers (she's pretty sure the combined will of Alisae and G'raha will keep her from even accidentally stubbing a toe). Still, there's plenty of people coming and going to see her and keep her company, at least.

The person she wishes to talk to most, however, is still asleep. Not as if she knows exactly what she wants to say, granted.

Emet-Selch is the last to have awoken, though her worries have been lessened by Hythlodaeus' insistence that he's perfectly fine, just needs to sleep a little. Still, there's uncertainty there, as she doesn't know where this road is going to lead exactly. She doesn't know where the first step is going to fall.

And so she sits there at his bedside, still-healing bruises and scrapes across the skin of hers that isn't still bandaged, thumbing through a book. It's difficult to focus; she's not sure if she can recall exactly what she read on the previous page, and her eyes keep flickering over to the sleeping Ancient in the bed beside her.]

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[He can't help something of a grimace at the mention of grapes. Why does that have to be one of the things she can recall...~~why not his name, instead?~~]

I gave Azem a lecture of my own after that. She knew full well that she would be censured for acting unilaterally, and yet...

[He sighs and rubs his eyes.]

Some memories can become etched into the soul so deeply that even the Lifestream can't wash them away in their entirety. Instead they become vague, half-remembered notions that often do appear in dreams, or strange senses of familiarity. The Echo is typically drawn forth by such a remembrance, and 'tis even possible to fully restore a person's memory of a past life with a sufficiently detailed record of such.

And yet she was still stubborn. The consequences could be dealt with later.

You're right, I think. G'raha and I had a discussion of such--that even after being reborn, even after being sundered, there are certain parts and characteristics of the soul that remain. Different as they may have been in personality, I think there was still a very important thread that remained between Hermes, Amon, the sundered Fandaniel he became... I suppose that it wouldn't be much different for me, would it? Even if Azem's crystal isn't quite the same as the others, it could have triggered something. Her crystal... You made it, correct?

I did. I poured my own memories of her into it, and we had known one another from childhood. It's not quite the same as those we used to restore the memories of our Sundered fellows, but 'tis close enough that it ought to be able to fill the same purpose.

...And in all of my observations of reincarnated Convocation members, I have not once seen one who was utterly different. As you say, even Amon had his important similarities to Hermes, and you yourself...truly are much like Azem.

[Is there a wistful look in his eyes? Surely just a trick of the light, or the way his irises faintly glow.]

You cared deeply for her.

[It's not a question, but a statement.]

Anyone could tell by the way Hythlodaeus spoke of you all. And though I would yet fight against any further rejoinings, even if I know you would not work towards them once more, I am sorry that she is not...hm, complete in your sense. But I...

[She doesn't have the crystal on her right now. It lays secure in a drawer in her room down the hall, but she thinks about it.]

There is...a lot I need to think about in regards to this all. Being Hydaelyn's chosen was one thing, but this is entirely something more. I want to know, but at the same time...

[Naltryd laughs quietly, before taking the glass and finishing up its contents.]

Strange, how easy it is to open up to you like this. Even my other friends, as dear they are to me, as much as I trust them and that they are family to me, I don't know how I would speak of such things to. My soul is only just slightly denser than theirs, but I suppose my situation and Azem's make it all the more complicated.

The three of us were...quite close, yes. You saw Hythlodaeus and myself. I cared for Azem no less.

[Whether or not that's meant to imply anything...he's not going to say. Some details, he's not entirely ready to share.]

It may yet be possible to further increase the density of your soul without resorting to Rejoinings, but such would require a way to transport you across the Rift freely, and the former Exarch staunchly refused to tell me how to do as much. It's also entirely a separate subject from you remembering more of your past life. I do have my own preference in the matter, but I shall give you all the time you need to come to a decision of your own.

[He picks up the wine bottle and tilts it toward her glass in a silent question.]

As for your other friends...well, I am certain at least one of them would have objections to this entire conversation.

Well, I certainly wouldn't want to rid the rest of Azem's shards of their lives and identities just to complete this soul. Ardbert may be a part of me now, but that was a unique situation, and the rest must still be their own people. Even just the memories, however... Well, it definitely is something I'd have to think on. With those memories, I'm not sure of exactly who I would be.

[She's grateful for some more wine, and holds her glass up.]

And considering all that is still on my mind, my own recuperation, and wrapping my head around everything that's happened, it'd through quite the complication into things. Still, I will give it thought.

[The last part causes her to chuckle, though.]

Ah, I could hardly blame him for it, all things considered. Even so, I hope that eventually tensions will ease.

Time travels at different rates in different reflections. Many shards will die naturally during your lifetime, particularly given how painfully thin their own souls are.

[He refills her glass, then considers for a moment before topping his own off. It's a weak wine, it shouldn't affect him enough to be embarrassing later.]

And if you want tensions to ease, tell your imitation Gunbreaker friend. I'm not the one intent upon viewing every action and interaction in the worst possible way.

True, but they may also be reborn, and...well. Very complicated, that. And with memories, with all of those shards, I'd no longer be Naltryd. Even with just the memories, would I still be Naltryd?

[She takes a deep sip of the wine.]

And that is something that is not easy to think through.

[Things can never be simple, after all.]

His situation is unique. Between what Lahabrea had done to him, everything that happened with Minfilia, his hatred against the Ascians...the way he sees me as a little sister, much as he looked at Minfilia, her age being so alike to mine... It will not be easy, and I will not pressure him, but I will try to help ease some of the tension.

I am not Lahabrea, nor have I condoned his behavior. Ought I take my gripes with any one Sharlayan out on any other I meet?

[He huffs, puts the wine bottle down, then takes a drink from his glass.]

And the subject of reincarnation and future identity is one that may well drive one mad. At what point does simple self-preservation become depriving your future self of a chance to be born? The subject of memories and identity is more worthy of thought, though I can't exactly offer firsthand experience. As many bodies as I've worn, I have maintained the same personal identity throughout the eons.

No, no, I know what you mean. But we have been at odds, and despite overall reconciliation, I understand why he will take more time to adjust to it all. There's a certain trauma he feels that is not easy to work through, even if you personally didn't cause it all.

[Another drink of her wine.]

It's maddening even in the beginning thoughts of it. So... I will take it step by step. See what I remember on my own, holding the crystal close, and work from there.

I still don't appreciate him 'working through' his trauma by going out of his way to be rude and hostile. He should count himself lucky I haven't turned him into an imp for his behavior toward me, even when I was attempting to be nice.

[And he has been tempted, don't think he hasn't. It's an immensely satisfying mental image.]

I will speak to him, but people don't change overnight. Nor is it easy to forgive and forget, even if you didn't directly affect him in the way Lahabrea did. Emet, I'm more wont to forgive you quicker based on our connection and what I've personally seen, but even if you were under the influence of Zodiark, you still caused untold damage to this star and its people. And it will take others time to move past that and understand. Lahabrea aside, considering how Thancred's heart is partially tied to the first, what with Ryne, and what happened with Minfilia... And that you were our enemy there...

[She gives a little shrug.]

Please. Just give him time, even if just for my sake. He may act rude to you, but he isn't going to attack you or anything. Thancred is a dear, dear friend of mine, an incredible man, but he holds so much pain in his heart. Pain that you're associated with, both directly and indirectly. Give him time.

[To his credit, he does wince slightly when she mentions the damage he's caused. It's never been something he's enjoyed, but...desperation can drive people to horrible things.]

I am full aware of the suffering I have wrought. I did mean it, however, when I approached you in the name of peace. You may find it difficult to believe, but I did wish for your success. Finding a 'path of lesser tragedy', if you recall?

I know that. And somewhere, I'm sure he knows that as well, but you cannot expect everyone to forgive and forget so easily, even knowing all of the details of the situation at hand. Things will get better, but it will take time, and time to see the true you now. He--and everyone else for that matter, were not there in Elpis to see you before the Final Days. Only Hythlodaeus and myself are left to know the real, untempered you, and even I've only just recently met him as the woman I am right now.

[And so...]

Just...be patient, and show to others who you really are, the person you want to be seen as.

If you're asking me to be nice to him...I have no issue with the other Scions, but I shan't waste my energy on someone determined to spoil whatever good mood I happen to be in.

[He takes a grumpy swig of his drink.]

...The most you shall get out of me is a promise to leave him alone so long as he doesn't directly antagonize me.

I ask you to be civil, and I will ask him to be the same. That's all I require.

[She'd like for things to at least be peaceful.]

Then it's up to his ability to abide by that request. Personally, I would rather spend the near future relaxing, and that means a preference for company I at least find tolerable.

Good enough for me.

[She smiles, raising her glass for a moment before drinking from it again. It's good enough for now, and they'll see how the future goes.]

I hope it goes without saying that your company is included. I'm sure Hythlodaeus is already eager to get to know you, himself.

Of course, and as am I to know him. I've only known the real him briefly, but I absolutely adore him already.

[Cheerful? Fun? A bit of a troll, in a good way? ~~Cute, to boot?~~ She definitely wants to get to know him better.]

He has ever been easy to get along with, so long as one has a tolerance for chaos. I may have toned that down slightly in the conjured image of him...the real Hythlodaeus would have caused no end of mischief in what was meant to be a recreation of peaceful days.

Good thing I've a good tolerance for that.

[She's a bit of a penchant for chaos herself.]

I'm certain we'll get along fabulously. We already were, even, during our brief time in Elpis.

Yes, I distinctly recall the two of you conspiring to make me do work I hadn't signed up for. Well, I am saying this now: you shan't drag me into such efforts this time.

You say that, and yet I doubt I'll need much more than another "pretty please" to convince you.

[She briefly puts on the same expression she did back then: a bit of a pout, fluttering of her eyelids, cute pleading look-- before laughing.]

[He makes a show of acting like something irritated his throat, covering his mouth with one hand in an attempt to hide his flustered expression.]

I am not some pushover that you can wind around your little finger!